a-musing-lee twin reflections

While admittedely, I spend quite a bit of time reflecting on the past, contemplate the present and consider the future, I find these reflections constantly changing like a turn of a kaleidoscope altering my paradigms. I suppose when one reaches a certain age, questions posed by others vary slightly when discussing birthdays and milestones.  I've had a few people as of late, ask me what is something I would do if I could. It inevitably leads to a conversation about my 50/50 list.  While I did complete the list, it did go through various edits and updates with a few items still on my bucket list that were not likely to happen before the impending deadline as it approached. In order to create this list of 50 things to do before reaching a major life milestone (the half a century mark), I spent more time reflecting over the years and took the opportunity to take inventory and review of my life.  This was not always a pretty picture. While I don’t currently find myse...

Lately, life has been a little disconcerting. Unfortunately, there has been sorrow, despair, loss and grief.  It seems as if it is following the typical Utah weather patterns of spring…sunny one day with spring flowers, the next cold with snow.   It reminds you that the world gives and takes, expands and contracts and as we get caught up in the ups and downs of our individual experiences, life, by its very nature is somewhat unreliable. It is with this ebb and flow that brings this post.   My current reflections have turned to the different perspectives on life’s challenges, both the internal and external battles, we all face at one time or another in our lives, sometimes even daily. I find life’s kaleidoscope of differing perspective, intriguing as I step back and ponder my own challenges as of late.  Once again on the internal conflicts we fight as well as the external battles we wage against ourselves and others. I realize we are all unique, and as my n...

I've always loved certain elements of nature, especially the night sky.  I recently found myself with a full moon, the stars shining brightly, with only a few clouds in the sky, and the sounds of the night as I sat on a swing half way up a mountain and felt a certain type of stillness. The peace, the calm and the energy that filled my soul was comforting in a currently turbulent world. It felt so right in the quiet and peace of the night, even when I realized the irony in what I felt as to what truly was happening around me.  The sounds of kids running and playing, visiting the Brown's, farther down the mountain.  The sounds of ATV's and the howling wind through the trees which were louder than the tranquility of my inner thoughts. It's amazing when you find yourself able to step out of the moment and see the vastness of the stars in the night sky and to feel the air blow across your face as you soak in the calming darkness and give thanks for the calm, the peace, a...

we have to keep a piece to ourself that no one else can see the wounds are deep,  the silence holds we're drowing out at sea  we shut the gates, we close the doors the walls built high and wide things weigh heavy like anchors the feelings we try to hide the darkness consumes us eventually taking hold the numbing, lonely feeling the emptiness unfolds one tries to fight the demons the war between mind and heart the battle rages on and on hope trying to play its part we seek for strength as emotions ebb and flow as much as we fight our fears and worries grow we look to others when strength lies within we forget it’s not a flame just a spark that whispers you can win we return from the edge reaching for possibility and light we are not broken we are strong and we fight

It's amazing what a few words can do to ones spirit.  As I start off a new year, I know that it will be full of lifes challenges and I have a long road in changing the way I fight the battles that inevitably will come my way. I have to admit as this past year was coming to a close, I wondered how low my reserve was, but on the first day of the new year, I received a gift. One of renewed hope, that life was not lost. It goes to show that you never know the impact you can have on someone, with just a smile, a kind word, a quick note and how it can restore hope. This gift, this note, filled my reserve.  Part of the message also gave me renwed hope, that I can fight the enemy, if I can stay out of my own head. I, like most people, am my own worst enemy and the last few years I stopped fighting that enemy. I gave it more power and let it take control over so much of my life, I gave up fighting the demons in my mind, letting in more of the dark, the fears and doubts.  T...

As we come to the close of yet another year, like so many others it was full of ups and downs, some smiles and tears, loss and pain, it also brought many challenges and was full of lots of change. I want to thank those that were there for me during some of the more difficult times and to those that brought some laughter and joy. Those that accept my imperfections and flaws and continue to challenge me to become a better person. I am truly grateful for those that have crossed paths in this story of mine. I look forward to continuing life's journey with those that are part of another chapter as we learn from yesterday, live for today and hope for tomorrow.  Wishing everyone all the best for the coming new year. While I know it too will be filled with mountains and valleys as we continue to learn and live, I hope it will be the best one yet. Warmest thoughts of a happy new year. Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering it will be happier - Alfred Lord Te...